I've been wondering who I am a lot this weekend. Last Thursday I was stumped to find a topic and lacking inspiration for the daily slice. I began asking myself, "What do I like to do? What inspires me? What makes me, me? Who am I?" I was stumped, and to be honest, a little depressed. I had no answers. Two years ago, I feel as though I might have been able to describe myself quickly. Now, post-baby arrival, I'm at a lost to describe myself, let alone write about something from my life.
I know what I like. I like to cook, bake, and create food. I like to organize (including purging old things!) I like to garden, but don't claim to be any good at it. I like to swim, but never do so anymore. I like sci-fi and drama TV shows. I like reading mystery and post-apocalyptic style books, but don't read nearly as much as I would like to. I enjoy going out to eat (though those times are becoming less and less frequent with a 15 month old. I like walking (but not running) on long walks. I love animals, both belonging to myself, other people, and the wild. I like projects, crafts, and creating things.
I know what I don't like. I don't like bossy people. I don't like cleaning. (Cleaning and organizing are very different. Don't ask me why I like one and not the other. They just are different.) I don't like working out. 9I can't figure out why someone would want to get all sweaty and hot, only to feel weak and achy the next day!) I don't like to be cold. I don't like wasabi or horseradish.
I'm usually a very busy, active person, even if the activity isn't the most interesting thing. I'm used to having my hands busy or covered in something (flour, yarn, soil, or pet fur). I began asking myself, how and why has that changed? Who am I, now? The answer is: The same. I've just put some interests on the back-burner.
I miss my busy, productive life, filled with making buckets of pesto to freeze, painting and repainting walls after renovating with my husband, bathing chickens (well, maybe not that), and sewing cloth napkins while I listen to something other than nursery rhymes. That's not who I am right now, though. That part of me is on hold, it feels. Right now, I'm "Mama", slowly gaining back "Heidi".
With all of these likes and dislikes, I still felt stumped and uninspired. While I'm able to list all of these things, none of them jumped out at me as worthy of a blog post. I began feeling very average, very ho-hum, very un-unique. I was (and am still?) officially road-blocked. At least, for the time being, the blog post helped to remind me of who I am, what I like, and what I can look forward to. While the time with my little one being so little will surely feel fleeting in a couple of years, it is good to remind myself that I'll find myself again, and maybe - just maybe - being average is underestimated and wonderful.